Last night I had a dream. And I remember it.
I was paddling on a surfboard, in the ocean, trying to catch a wave, struggling to stay atop my board. After a while, I began swimming towards the shore, bawling my eyes out because I was reminded of Muizenberg (where I first learnt how to surf)… as I got out of the water, I realized that I was back in Muizenberg! Excited, I tried to find my way back to the YWAM base so that I could say hi to Rene, Jojanneke, and everyone else.
Suddenly, it looked like I was back in Virginia (but in my mind I was still in Muizenberg) and everywhere I walked, I couldn’t find the base. I literally circled around some roads and failed to see where it could possibly be. We passed by some South Africans, and I began to speak to them in kinyarwanda (which they don’t even speak in South Africa…it’s the main language of Rwanda.) I said “Ndagukunda Jesu” to people, explaining to those who were with me that it meant “Jesus loves you”… only when I woke up I realized it actually translates “I love you Jesus”. Haha, oh well.
Anyway, I thought I was over it. But I guess Africa’s been impressed upon my heart more than I realize. Though it doesn’t pain me as much any more, I still deeply miss it. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don’t want to lose this feeling, this aching in my heart to go back. I don’t want to forget. I mean, I don’t want to live in the past at all, but I am finding it hard to let go.
I feel like I had a simplistic outlook on life while I was there. Everything was simpler. It was about waking up and loving people, and being thankful for clean water, and being ecstatic about running water, and not being too busy to go exploring the town or dancing for hours in an empty room… Why is it so much harder here to find meaning in the simple things? It’s always about schedules, and classes, and who am I going to meals with, and what meetings must I attend, and when do I have to work at the desk… God, I long for simplicity.
To see people the way You do.
To see myself the way You do.
To see You the way You really are.
To be loved.
To see You lifted up in my life. On the earth. This is what I want to live for.
Don’t let me forget!!!